Every coaching conversation contains two conversations.

One is the conversation we are having with our client.

The other is the conversation we are having with ourselves and whilst that second conversation may go largely unnoticed, it often has just as much influence on the quality of the coaching.

As coaches, we spend years learning how to listen more deeply, ask better questions and create the conditions for insight. Yet we rarely talk about the constant stream of thinking running alongside the session and the effect it can have if we’re not aware of it.

The Coach’s Internal Conversation

It might sound familiar.

“I think I know what’s going on here.”

“They’re avoiding the real issue.”

“Where should I take this next?”

“This isn’t moving fast enough.”

“I need a better question.”

This isn’t unusual. Thinking is simply what our minds do and having these thoughts isn’t the issue.

What matters is whether we notice them, or whether they begin to shape the way we coach without us even realising it.

Our attention shifts away from the client and towards our own interpretation of what’s happening. Instead of listening with fresh curiosity, we’re listening through the filter of our own conclusions, looking for evidence that supports what we’ve already decided.

 

When Understanding Gets in the Way

This is one of the reasons I often say that I don’t need to understand my client.

That sometimes surprises coaches, particularly those who are keen to develop expertise in areas such as ADHD, trauma, burnout or neurodiversity. Whilst having knowledge can certainly be helpful in understanding context, it can also create an illusion that we already know what this client’s experience means.

We don’t.

No amount of expertise can tell us what this particular person is making of their world in this moment.

The more certain we become that we understand, the greater the risk that we stop being curious. We begin to fill in the gaps ourselves instead of allowing the client to discover them. We ask questions that make sense to us rather than questions that open up new thinking for them.

My role as a coach isn’t to understand my client- it’s to help my client understand themselves better.

 

Becoming Aware of Your Own Thinking

I’m not suggesting that coaches should somehow stop thinking because that would be impossible.

What matters is noticing when our thinking has become louder than our client’s.

The moment we recognise that we’re trying to solve, interpret, rescue, impress or steer the conversation towards our own idea of where it should go, we have a choice. We can continue following our own thinking, or we can return our full attention to the person sitting in front of us.

The less attention we give to working out what we should be doing next, the more attention we have available for what is actually happening in the conversation.

 

Presence Creates Space

Some of the most powerful coaching moments happen when we stop trying to work everything out.

When we become comfortable with not knowing, we create space for the client to know.

When we let go of our need to make sense of every word, clients often begin making sense of their own experience in ways neither of us could have predicted.

Perhaps that’s one of the quiet paradoxes of coaching. The less occupied we are with our own internal conversation, the more fully available we become for theirs.

 

Reflection

As you finish your next coaching session, pause before writing your notes and ask yourself:

How much of my attention was on my client, and how much was on the conversation I was having with myself?

 

Until next time,

Cath

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